i am bringing it back!



its time to tell a story of a girl



well maybe another day!

i just want to cry...

So (sticks tongue out) at u mr. David czub worse manager in history fuckin tell me again not to call out for just a cold or complain when i ask to go home becuz i am coughing uncontrolably in every customers face. Fuck u david czub. U take 2 days off to go snowmobiling n i take a day off cuz i think i am dying. U need to fall into a hole n die. enough said about him. new topic. I know when ur sick u should b a good sick person be alone n sleep all day but when i am sick i really hate to b alone more then any other situation.

thats right this is a complete happy entry...


i had an amazing weekend...thursday club with miles where we both were drunk of enough to be ontop of our dance game...friday party at pjs...saturday movies with dave then his birthday party...


Davids birthday party----> was amazing

i have to say in the beginning i was not happy and not willing to explain y here. but at the bar waiting for the taxi the bouncer called for me 3 different guys came up to me to let me know that they thought i was beautiful and the prettiest girl in the club and the bartender gave me a free drink that i decided to stay. and i am very glad that i did. I had a blast and made friends with several different guys. And even enjoyed taking care of miles and dave in the back of the limo and back at the house.

sunday we recovered. Which included the boys eating mcdonalds off my lap in bed while i was still in my dress and them in just pj bottoms. also hot tub for close to 2 hrs. the rest of the day was spent watching movies half alseep at dans and pj made a amazing Italian dinner.

Of and did i mention i had today off. Cant bet this weekend.

u look up and everything is a blur is it this life or a past

do the tears forming in ur mind or a dream

is it a dream or is it real?

ever been really scared...scared of something wanted forever?

nothin has felt like HOME, in almost 4 yrs.

yes i had an apartment be4 and it was home. but i havent had a place i truly felt at home until i opened the door to my apartment. Years ago someone (paul) once told me "i dont know how to make u happy expect for to make a home for u" When i walk in i feel at home and happy, settled and myself, like i can handle anything. i not lonely and relish doing what i want when, including peeing with my bathroom door open. (i know to much info)

what scares me tho is? will i be able to keep this?
nothin good in my life stays..so when will i mess this up when will this fall apart?

if my mother doesnt believe i can do it then i sure i wont be able to, y am i even trying?

when u know the one thing that made u the happiest u have been in years is possibly the one thing i should never have done or cant ever do again.


how does one deal with that?

how does one not get sucked in?

how do i move on and try to be happy when i know nothin on earth will ever make me that happy?

yeah thats right this isnt going to be depressing at all! i just wanted to say its snowing (well kinda) so smile becuz nothin is ever worth crying about anymore

its funny when it turns out everyone is fake and everyone is lying!!!!

I watch the skin tear i watch the blood bubble to the surface n form drops as it rolls down n i smile in relief

i really like these lyrics...sixx:a.m. life is beautiful



You can't breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you're the joke
There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I HATE U!



thats all

i woke up this morning and the 1st thing my eyes saw was the LIFE? sign i made and put on my wall years ago.
i spent some of the morning looking at old photos, i am only talking a yr or two ago. when did some much change how the fuck have i not noticed it before. there so much i want to say here, there always is but i never know how to say it. i dont believe i ever will. u want to know me?

its actually simple....

i never want to be alone even for 10 mins. when i out to dinner with a friend and she gets up to go the bathroom and i am left alone, i start to freak out. its sad i know and i know alot of people say it but its true. maybe cuz i was raised as any only child whos mother was almost always sick. when u spend ur 16th birthday alone it starts to get to u. i often do not do things cuz i dont want to do then alone. everyone thinks im not shy but that is such bullshit i just hide my shy awkwardness with talking.

i cherish my friends...my real friends the people i actually let close to me. they are more then friends they r my family. i try anything to make sure they dont leave me like eveyone else in the world. u want dinner ill buy it. u want me to be funny ill be. u want me to be cute and just sit there not talking ill try.~i do hate silence tho so this one is hard~ ill do anything once u are close to me so u wont leave me ~but then everyone who does get close to me does leave me~

i hate silence! did i say that already? i truly do even when i am sleeping.


i hate that i hate home and have always wished i could have the picture perfect families everyone else around me has.

i daydream alot almost bordering on crazy. when i was younger i believed if i dreamed hard enough about something it would come true....it never worked.

i smile alot but its never real

i hate dumb ignorant people

i wish i believed in something~its y i stayed mormon so long~

and the biggest thing to know about me.....the one thing that ties the rest together...

I WANT TO BE LOVED FOR MYSELF AND NOT WHO I PRETEND TO BE!!!!

there have been very few times in my life i felt loved i can actually count the days...
that statement alone explains all my issues, depression, it explains my daily activities.

everyone thinks they know me.

but...

no one knows me.

truth?

i am lonely even when i am laughing at ur jokes
i am lonely even when i am smiling
i am lonely even when i tell u i am not
i am the loneliest when i am in a crowded room

i often feel like the world is buzzing around me and all i want to do is stand on a chair and scream at the top of my lungs so finally i can take this fake smile off my face.

does anyone know how often i crawl into a ball in a bathroom and cry? dinners, parties, clubs just hanging out watching a movie.

will i ever feel like i belong to somewhere... to something?

no one knows that i feel every emotion. from the guy in the commercial who just got turned down at the bar to a character in the book i am reading at any given time. i can feel people sadness and i wish i could make it go away cuz i know what it feels like.

i like it better when i was so medicated i felt nothing. i was numb.

maybe i am a drama queen
maybe i am selfish

but all i want is to be happy and not to feel lonely anymore.

(btw... one person knew me and it scared the crap out of me so i pushed him away he could see my soul. i always felt safe with him. and its no one any of u are thinking)

i cant help but think about the past year.. i really dont feel like going in to it rite now cuz its depressing and i am happy

merry christmas everyone time to smile!

I know my enteries r always emo but oh well...stop reading. I hate that everything 4 me is 50x's harder then it should be. I just want to crawl inside myself n hide 4ever.

i really dont know how to deal. How to deal w/this. n untop of everything else im pretty sure i am going crazy the quiet voice in my head use to b like jd's on scrubs innocent n slightly funny now its loud mean n uncontrolable. Cuz of this or a result of it i am very depressed plus i wish i could share whats going on n how i feel wit everyone maybe i would hate it so much end it now plz

how does this happen...i never wanted this never wanted this NEVRER WANTED THIS

when did we all become what we didnt want to become?